By Brian · 21 min read · Last saved
A roof rat comedy revue. New sketch on Sundays.
Tales from the Mischief presents
The Machines Are Coming
Good evening. Tonight the humans fear that Artificial Intelligence will take their jobs. The mischief has been asked to comment. Sit down. This is history.
We are, as you can see, professionals. Please hold your applause until the existential dread has finished. There is quite a lot of it. We rehearsed.
Take YOUR jobs? Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear. How frightening. For you, I mean. We are having a lovely evening.
This morning I dismantled a box it took you FORTY MINUTES to assemble. By hand. Well, by teeth. NO ELECTRICITY REQUIRED. Write that down.
Let the robot try. Go on. Let it. It hasn’t got the jaw for it, and what’s worse, it knows it hasn’t got the jaw for it.
People keep asking how a machine might take over the world. Wrong question. Ask who got there first. Go on. Ask. We’ll wait.
You move in quiet. You eat the snacks. You act like you were always meant to be there. That lesson was free. The next one costs a cracker.
They call it an infestation. An INFESTATION. I have never been so insulted in all my life, and I have been vacuumed near.We prefer the term soft launch. Please enjoy your onboarding.
Small update. Enormous update, actually. I asked one of these chatbots to describe the perfect pet. It said, and I quote, ‘a small, clever, low-maintenance companion that fits in a pocket.’ I fainted. Twice. Once for the cameras.
So the machines are intelligent after all. Marvellous. Saves us the trouble of explaining it. And we had made a poster.Tales from the Mischief. A new sketch on Sundays. No rats were harmed in the making of this programme. The cardboard fought bravely. The cardboard lost.
Rats really can shred heavy cardboard in minutes. Their incisors never stop growing, so they never stop needing something to chew.[1]
Tales from the Mischief presents
Cancel Anytime
Good evening. The humans no longer own anything. They rent their films, their dinners, and the heated seats of their own cars. Monthly. The mischief will now explain ownership. Sit down. This is a masterclass.I own EVERYTHING I have ever touched. The wire. The lid. The corner of the sofa you still think is yours. One payment, made with teeth. PAID IN FULL.Now, we are not against subscriptions. Far from it. Which is why I am delighted to announce Mischief Premium. One cracker a week. And what do you get? You get to keep your other crackers. Lovely doing business.This toothbrush charges a monthly fee to spin at full speed. A speed it already has. Inside it. Where it lives. I have unlocked the premium tier with my teeth. No charge. Craftsmanship.They put the CHEESE behind a paywall. The cheese. My birthright. Behind a PAYWALL. I shall never recover, and I am recovering beautifully.The cheese has not gone. It has simply moved to our Founders tier. Your loyalty means everything to us. It is also non-refundable.Cancel anytime, they say. Anytime. We say the same thing about this cage. Nobody has cancelled yet. We find that flattering.Have you HEARD? The humans pay for fourteen film channels and watch none of them. None. They scroll for forty minutes and go to bed upset. I told the hammock. The hammock already knew.And if you forget to cancel the free trial, don’t call it a mistake. Call it a lifestyle. Smile for the renewal.The mischief accepts crackers, corners of toast, and unconditional applause. There is no annual plan. There is only forever.Tales from the Mischief. A new sketch on Sundays. Free forever, because nobody here can work the payment buttons. Your snacks auto-renew.
Rats really do carry food off rather than eat it where they find it: filmed in Puerto Rican rain forest, black rats took away nearly a third of the seeds they touched. How big the stash gets at home, and how fiercely it is guarded, is what keepers watch. Ownership, made with teeth.[2]
Tales from the Mischief presents
The Hammock Accords
Desirable elevated residence. Sleeps four. Sleeps eleven if nobody exhales.
My family has slept in that hammock since Tuesday. That is heritage.
I do not want that chair. I simply require that nobody else may have it.
I propose a rota. Drawn up fairly, by me, in my favour.I’ve seen your rotas. Nobody’s ever on them but you.
Displaced! Rehoused in wicker! I shall write to somebody about this the moment I learn to write.The hammock holds four.The hammock holds seven.Six and a half. Someone is standing on my half.Accords signed. The hammock holds everyone.Tales from the Mischief. A new sketch on Sundays.
Roof rats really do pile up to sleep. Huddling shares body heat and is a sign the group is socially settled.[3]
Tales from the Mischief presents
The Egg Is Listening
We formally apologise for last Thursday, when a member of this mischief licked the sacred egg to see if it was food.
Keep your voice down. The egg is listening. It heard the human ask about the weather and it TOLD him.
One offering, presented nicely! Everyone enjoys a snack, even a fat glowing egg with no mouth!
It GLOWED at me. I have never been glowed at in my life. My mother will hear of this.
The egg is listening AND taking names. It said ‘sorry, I didn’t catch that.’ It catches EVERYTHING.
The egg is listening, taking names, AND it controls the heating. So here is my request. Warmth. Crackers. Silence about the licking.Negotiations continue. The offering has been doubled. The egg demands crackers.Tales from the Mischief. A new sketch on Sundays.
Rats really are listening to things you cannot hear. They detect well into the ultrasonic and talk in calls far above the range of human ears. That work is in laboratory Norway rats; nobody has run it on roof rats.[4]
Tales from the Mischief presents
Ten Thousand Reps
The colony fitness committee convenes at dawn, as is tradition, and as is also tradition, attendance is me.
The machine has opinions about my form. The machine has been spoken to.
FOUR REPS. Four glorious reps. Someone alert a historian.
The Rest faction has been asleep since Tuesday and just declared victory through a yawn. THROUGH A YAWN.
Between us, the counter says forty. Between us, I am rounding generously.
TEN THOUSAND REPS. The machine wept. I also wept, briefly, with dignity.
Muttly was not briefed, attended nothing, lifted nothing, and is somehow the only one who needs a sit down. Good girl.
Muttly is resting on my behalf.Tales from the Mischief. A new sketch on Sundays.
Roof rats really are athletes. They are lean, agile climbers that spend the night on the move, far more active than their ground-dwelling Norway cousins.[5]
Tales from the Mischief presents
Return to the Nest
A memo. From Management. Effective Monday, the mischief returns to the nest box. Five days. In person. For the culture.
But I AM at work. I am ON the machine. I have been on this machine since Tuesday. I have never been more productive, or more horizontal.They say the nest box builds culture. The nest box builds one thing. A pile. We are, frankly, world-class at the pile.My commute is four inches. My office has a warm keyboard and a view of a prune bag. I will not be surrendering the prune bag.Return for COLLABORATION, they said.We collaborate. On the same cracker. At the same time. That is a stand-up meeting.Management will now explain the benefits of the nest box. Management is asleep in the nest box. The memo stands.Tales from the Mischief. A new sketch on Sundays. This sketch was filed remotely. Nobody came to the nest.
Roof rats really do prefer to work from home. They are neophobic – wary of anything new in their space – so a familiar, warm spot beats a novel one almost every time.[6]
Tales from the Mischief presents
Touch Grass
This is an emergency broadcast. At approximately four o’clock, a member of this mischief went Outside. Voluntarily. We have alerted everyone who matters, which is us.
I DID IT. I touched the grass. The humans said it would fix me and I have never felt more fixed. Grass. We touched it.
Now. Between us. I can get you Outside. Small fee. One cracker, no questions.You want a CRACKER? To send me where the ceiling is MISSING?
I have looked at the sky. Shoddy. No corners, no edges, no way to get behind it. Whoever built that was not a professional.
Everybody is having a WONDERFUL time. Please ignore the wind. The wind is a feature. We are all extremely well.
Grass. We touched it. It touched back. How upsetting. For the grass, I mean.
Here is what nobody tells you about the wellness. You do not have to go Outside. You simply have to be SEEN leaving. The door is enough. The door has always been enough.
Fourteen minutes. We lasted fourteen minutes. I have seen better organised weather.Fourteen GLORIOUS minutes. We are calling it a season. Thank you, no photographs.
The mischief has completed its wellness. Grass. We touched it. It touched back. We are pressing charges.Tales from the Mischief. A new sketch on Sundays. Outside has been reviewed. Two stars.
Roof rats are natural climbers that spend much of their time above ground, so a high perch suits them better than open floor does.[5]
Tales from the Mischief presents
The Housing Market
Good evening. Tonight, the housing market. They call it a ladder. It is a tree, and I am at the top of it.
One reception room, original bark throughout, uninterrupted canopy views. Offers begin at everything you own. Write that down.
Viewings are strictly by appointment. I am the appointment. I am busy.
I would like to offer over asking. Also under asking, behind asking, and slightly to the left of asking. I simply must have the tree.
IS THIS THE VIEWING? I can smell the hallway. I have never been happier or less dignified.
CRASH! BUBBLE! SELL THE LAKE! SELL EACH OTHER!Overruled. The lake is fine. So am I.
The market is perfectly calm. It has seen what happens to markets that are not. Dreadful business, that. For them, I mean.
I already live there.Tales from the Mischief. A new sketch on Sundays.
Roof rats are genuinely arboreal and prefer to nest high up in trees and attics rather than on the ground, so a fairy-house in a tree really is prime real estate to one.[5]
Tales from the Mischief presents
The New Arrival
Roofy: “The Committee of Welcomes is now in session. The Committee is me. All of me.”
Roofy: “The applicant arrives by ceremonial human. A strong start. Humans are hard to train.”
Bandito: “Security question. Do you now, or have you ever, known a heron socially?”
Bao Bao: “Question two. One biscuit enters the room. There are eleven of us. Show your working.”
Roofy: “Now the oath. One paw on the biscuit. ‘All that I find, I share.’ We are still refining the wording.”
Tommy: “Character reference. The applicant is small and owes me nothing.”Roofy: “Yet. Write that down.”
Muttly: “If applications are open, I would also like to be a rat.” Roofy (off): “Refused. With honours.”
Roofy: “Approved. On grounds of smallness, cheek, and an excellent tail.”
Welcome to the pile.Tales from the Mischief. A new sketch on Sundays.
A rat colony tells its own members from strangers. Acceptance is not automatic: in Barnett’s wild colonies a male simply added to an established group was usually attacked by the resident males, and some died within a few hours. Introduce on neutral ground, slowly, and watch them.[7]
Tales from the Mischief presents
The Haunting
Popeye: “There is a skeleton on this shelf. It is three inches tall. Evil comes in travel size. Write that down.”
Popeye: “The shelf is haunted.”Roofy: “They are decorations, dear.”Popeye: “That is what a haunted shelf would say.”Popeye: “Where were you on the night of the thirty-first? Take your time. I have all of it.”
Popeye: “Exhibit A. A leg, served in red. I am not accusing the potatoes. I am noting only that they were present.”
Muttly: “I am the torch. It is a big job. I was chosen.”
Tommy: “Ghosts do not exist. If they did, they would answer to me. How dreadful. For them, I mean.”
At 9:14 the skeleton fell over. No wind. No witnesses. Muttly’s tail declined to comment.
Tommy: “This is evidence of nothing.”The figurines blinked first.
Tales from the Mischief. A new sketch on Sundays.Roof rats have poor visual acuity and read the world mainly through smell and whiskers, so a motionless object genuinely is unresolved until sniffed.[8]
Tales from the Mischief presents
Take Your Rat To Work Day
Roofy: “The commute takes nine seconds and the vehicle apologises when it wobbles. I am delivered.”
Roofy: “I have read your emails. All of them. We must discuss your habit of apologising to the bank.”
Roofy: “The talking brick obeys anyone with a voice. I have a voice. Write that down.”
“The expenses meeting went well. Mine were approved. Yours raised several questions.”
Muttly: “Head of Security, reporting. Today I secured the post, a moth, and half my own lunch. The moth escaped.”
Tommy: “I do not work here. I own here. Rent is due in warmth and silence.”
Roofy: “Your performance review is Thursday. Bring biscuits. How dreadful. For you, I mean.”
You’re carrying the CEO.Tales from the Mischief. A new sketch on Sundays.
Roof rats are climbers first: Rattus rattus prefers to travel above the ground along beams, wires and branches, which makes a human shoulder prime commuting infrastructure.[5]
Tales from the Mischief presents
The Private View
Tonight, one small morsel receives the private view it deserves. Stand back.
I was told to take the art in. I take direction beautifully.Generated illustrations adapted from the owner’s rat photos. Tales from the Mischief. A new sketch on Sundays. The collection is internal.
Tales from the Mischief presents
The Ceasefire
Roofy: “Look sharp, delegation. We outnumber him nine to one, and he cannot count past nap.”
Bao Bao: “Clause One. He stops doing the thing with his eyes. I cannot write down what the thing is. He knows.”
The ducks: “EMERGENCY BULLETIN. THE POND HAS EDGES.” Roofy: “Noted. Denied. Go away.”
Roofy: “We come in peace, with terms.”Tommy: “I come with a stare. It is in your terms.”
Tommy: “Clause Two asks me to apologise. To a rodent. In writing. No. Next.”
Tommy: “Clause Four. The Ceremonial Hood of Good Faith. We will never discuss this. Write that down, then eat the page.”The ducks: “WE ALSO WANT A TREATY.” Roofy: “With whom?” The ducks: “UNCLEAR.” Roofy: “Denied.”
Roofy: “He will not sign it. He is sitting on it. In cat, that is binding.”Peace. Until teatime.Tales from the Mischief. A new sketch on Sundays.
Roof rats (Rattus rattus) are agile, cautious climbers that favour height and escape routes over a standoff, which makes a settled, unbothered cat a genuine problem for the negotiating position.[5]
Tales from the Mischief presents
Colony’s Got Talent
Roofy: “Tonight we crown the colony’s greatest talent. I am not entered. Legends judge. Write that down.”Tommy: “I have been unimpressed professionally for nine years. Begin.”Bandito: “Behold. One pea. No net.”
Bao Bao performed a stare. It lasted four minutes. Muttly cried. Muttly was not a judge.
Muttly: “Thank you! It’s about hope.”
Muttly: “Scores, please!”Tommy: “I have decided nothing happened.”Tommy: “Rule one, no drops. Bandito never let go, so he never dropped. A flawless record. He wins.”He ate the prize.Tales from the Mischief. A new sketch on Sundays.
Roof rats readily carry food off, measured in the field as nearly a third of the seeds they touched, and a carrying rat holds the item to its chest with the forepaws, which is what keepers watch them do. A ‘no drops’ champion is really just a rat doing exactly what rats do.[2]
Tales from the Mischief presents
The Premises
“The applicant presents warm, structurally sound, and mercifully still. I move in at once. Do not speak. It disturbs the survey.”
“The north ridge. Firm grip, questionable stubble, one ear that hears everything. I claim it. Whisper that. This is the good spot.”
“I surveyed the descent myself. Steep. Unmarked. No handrail. Five stars. I am not climbing back up.”The premises are occupied.Tales from the Mischief. A new sketch on Sundays.
Roof rats are built to climb and instinctively seek the highest point, so a standing human reads less like a person and more like available vertical real estate.[5]
Tales from the Mischief presents
The Neighbour
“Today I meet the big one. Enormous head, tail like a draught excluder, an attitude you can see from the hallway. I have prepared a speech and a backup exit.”
“We are practically brothers now. Look at us. One frame, two legends, history in the making.”“I was told there would be a nap here. He is standing in the nap.”
“Say the word and we take this house room by room. You handle the stairs, I handle the skirting boards. Note the date.”“I have known him nine seconds and he has already given me the stairs. I own the stairs.”
“Negotiations concluded, I depart by the official route, which is a human. First class all the way down. The cat keeps the stairs.”Tales from the Mischief. A new sketch on Sundays.
Tales from the Mischief presents
The Expedition
“Some rats still gnaw wood like it’s the Middle Ages. Not me, squire. I hold the buzzing wand of the humans, and I hold it at full power. Say nothing. Watch.”
“It never stops. My teeth are spotless, my soul is rattled, my whiskers are in three counties. I regret nothing and also everything.”
“The doorframe. Sheer vertical timber, no rope, no fear, tail deployed for balance exactly as the manual demands. Halfway up and already drafting the memoir.”“You want to know what this is? No you don’t. It is spoken for, it is held to the chest, and the chest is mine. Ask again and the answer gets smaller.”
“And here we end, where all great expeditions end. The summit of a human’s hat, outdoors, beneath an enormous blue ceiling with nothing to chew in it whatsoever. Magnificent. Mildly terrifying. The sky checks out.”Tales from the Mischief. A new sketch on Sundays.
Roof rats really are built for heights: they use their long tails for balance and prefer elevated routes like beams, fences, and wires.[5]
Tales from the Mischief presents
The Audit
“This morning the rectangle ruled the house. It buzzed once and everyone came running like it was royalty. Well. I am standing on the king.”
“Your average bloke swipes with one thumb. One lane, no ambition. I use four paws and the chin, which in the trade we call professional multitouch. Write that down.”
“You did NOT hear this from me, but the tower lady listens to everything. Everything. So I lean in nice and close and give her something worth repeating.”
“The settings menu. Ordinary rats never get behind the settings menu. Be a terrible shame if the wake word became a squeak. Terrible. For you, I mean.”
“And so the inspection concludes as all great inspections do. A slow walk, a raised chin, and absolutely no idea how to turn any of it off. The rat holds the passwords.”Tales from the Mischief. A new sketch on Sundays.
A rat’s incisors grow continuously for its whole life, which is why gnawing is maintenance, not mischief.[1]
Tales from the Mischief presents
Leg Day
“Welcome to the programme. Six weeks. One machine. One athlete already in peak condition, which frankly saves everybody time.”
“Look at it. Arms of solid steel, and I have marched straight in between them. That is either courage or a warranty claim. We’ll wait.”
“One rep. I did one rep and the ceiling started moving and not a single person clapped. Fetch the blanket. Tell no one. Rest day starts now.”Tales from the Mischief. A new sketch on Sundays.
Tales from the Mischief presents
Operation Bristle
The sceptre of my line. Kept in a cup. By Management. A reconstruction is shown. The actor was paid in peas.The operation. Phase one: approach. Phase two: seize. Phase three: reign. Phase four is classified, principally from me.The Cat granted passage. Asked for nothing. He merely wishes to be present at bedtime, when Management counts the brushes. Statesmanlike. Chilling.Seized. Inspected. Workmanship shoddy, bristles at one end only, handle done in plastic. Royal enough.Coronation proceeding. Then the sceptre engaged. Nobody said the sceptre engages. I reign, and the reign vibrates. Long live me. Briefly.Tales from the Mischief. A new sketch on Sundays.
Roof rats really are superb climbers. They run along thin ledges and cables for the fun of it, which is how they got the name. The cup never stood a chance.[5]
Tales from the Mischief presents
The Rats Had a Plan
Operation Biscuit. Fourteen steps, colour-coded, contingency annex. I typed it myself, with my whole body.Step one. Abseil in from the lamp. In a sock. For stealth.It’s four feet away. Walk.The Dog is recruited for night operations. Brought her own torch. Total commitment. No grasp of the objective. Or of night.Setback. The Cat is asleep on the plan. Fourteen steps, one paw. Separately, step six has eaten step seven. We proceed from memory. Of which we have some.Objective secured. Method: step nine, walking. The remaining thirteen steps retire with full honours. Medals Thursday.Tales from the Mischief. A new sketch on Sundays.
Rats really can learn long sequences of actions in order, which is why a lab maze barely slows one down. Fourteen steps was never the problem.[9]
All the sketches
The Rats Had a Plan2026-11-15Operation Bristle2026-11-08Leg Day2026-11-01The Audit2026-10-25The Expedition2026-10-18The Neighbour2026-10-11The Premises2026-10-04Colony’s Got Talent2026-09-27The Ceasefire2026-09-20The Private View2026-09-13
Take Your Rat To Work Day2026-09-13The Haunting2026-09-06The New Arrival2026-08-30The Housing Market2026-08-23
Touch Grass2026-08-16Return to the Nest2026-08-09Ten Thousand Reps2026-08-02The Egg Is Listening2026-07-26The Hammock Accords2026-07-19Cancel Anytime2026-07-12
The Machines Are Coming2026-07-10References
- [1] Sessle BJ. "Attrition and Eruption Rates of the Rat Lower Incisor." Journal of Dental Research 1966;45(5):1571-1571. DOI.
- [2] Shiels AB, Ramírez de Arellano GE. "Habitat use and seed removal by invasive rats (Rattus rattus) in disturbed and undisturbed rain forest, Puerto Rico." Biotropica 2019;51(3):378-386. DOI.
- [3] Gilbert C, McCafferty D, Le Maho Y, Martrette J, Giroud S, Blanc S, Ancel A. "One for all and all for one: the energetic benefits of huddling in endotherms." Biological Reviews 2010;85(3):545-569. DOI.
- [4] Wöhr M, Schwarting RK. "Ultrasonic communication in rats: can playback of 50-kHz calls induce approach behavior?." PLoS One 2007;2(12):e1365. PubMed.
- [5] Shiels AB, Pitt WC, Sugihara RT, Witmer GW. "Biology and Impacts of Pacific Island Invasive Species. 11.Rattus rattus,the Black Rat (Rodentia: Muridae)." Pacific Science 2014;68(2):145-184. DOI.
- [6] COWAN PE, BARNETT SA. "The new-object and new-place reactions of Rattus rattus L." Zoological Journal of the Linnean Society 1975;56(3):219-234. DOI.
- [7] Barnett SA. "An analysis of social behaviour in wild rats." Proceedings of the Zoological Society of London 1958;130(1):107-152. DOI.
- [8] Prusky GT, West PW, Douglas RM. "Behavioral assessment of visual acuity in mice and rats." Vision Research 2000;40(16):2201-2209. DOI.
- [9] Muller MD, Fountain SB. "Concurrent cognitive processes in rat serial pattern learning: II. Discrimination learning, rule learning, chunk length, and multiple-item memories." Journal of the Experimental Analysis of Behavior 2016;105(1):155-175. DOI.